When Your Child Refuses to Go to School
Make sure you speak respectfully and with authority as you help your child get back into a school routine.
Have your child evaluated for anxiety, depression or bullying issues. Follow through with professional treatment.
Set up a meeting with teachers, school counselor, your child and yourself. Write out a plan. Have everyone sign it.
Set up a written reward contract for a reward to be given as soon as your child is picked up at the end of the school day. (Cell phones, computers and video games are privileges, not parental obligations. All electronics need to be charging in parent’s room at night.)
Set up e-mail or other daily communication with all your child’s teachers. Don’t expect your discouraged child to be completely open and honest.
Change who drives your child to school. Leave 10 min. earlier.
Print out Parents Legal Guide to Public Schools in your county. Highlight truancy passages. Have your child read and sign those paragraphs.
Let your child know about legal consequences of truancy, i.e., arrest, or suspension, restriction or delay of driving privileges (Section 13202.7 of the Vehicle Code) or permanent records that may inhibit college acceptance or other employment opportunities. After a fourth truancy a child can be made a ward of the court and sentenced to community service and court-approved truancy prevention programs.
Do not call in or write excuses for your child. Let them take the consequences given by the school. Do not re-punish at home.
Celebrate small victories. Let your child know you believe in them.
If one parent is more strict and one more concerned about the child’s emotional well-being, find a written compromise or seek therapy. Do not let your child overhear you arguing about them.
Be kind to yourself and your partner, children naturally try to divide to gain power. It’s a normal part of growing up and hard on parents. This doesn’t last forever.
Model for your child how to handle difficult feelings and ambivalence gracefully.
A student is truant after missing, or being more than 30 min. late for 3 days during a school year, without valid excuses. After this, in a public school, the student is reported to the attendance supervisor or the superintendent of the school district. After one conference has been attempted with parents, the child is considered Habitually Truant. A Habitual Truant is then referred to SARB who can report the child to the District Attorney or Probation Officer. The child may then be arrested, or returned to the school, parents or youth center if they don’t go to school. The school may then direct the parents to bring the child to school. Whether the child is in private or public school, fines of $100 for first offense, $250 for second offense and $500 for subsequent offenses can be levied on parents if they do not get the child to school.
Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist PSY9503 714-993-5343
Ten Ways to Help Your Grandchild Through a Divorce.
Don’t disparage your ex-son or daughter-in law in front of your grandchildren. Make sure they are not in earshot when talking about their parents on the phone as well.
Remember holidays. An important role of a grandparent is to celebrate and help create memories. These celebrations may look different than you had once imagined for your family, but if you keep the grandchildren’s interests first, you will be creating memorable and wonderful family traditions. (Even a home-baked box of cookies mailed at certain times of the year can become a cherished childhood memory that lets a child know they are always loved.)
Be a good listener. Your grandchild may be surrounded by chaos and angry adults, you may provide the only place where they can really feel heard. You are someone who has the time to listen without trying to “fix” it. A loving ear can get a child through a lot!
Set up your expectations for their behavior before they arrive. You will probably have different rules than their parents do, children can adapt so long as these rules are specifically stated (writing them down is a great idea). A household where there are five compliments to every directive (i.e. “get your feet off the coffee table”) is an environment where children will thrive. A reward based “star chart” can help make this easier.
Become the unbiased, non-judgmental confidant children need in a loving authority. Their parents may be too wounded emotionally and unable to be unconditionally present for them. A special relationship with a grandparent can make all the difference to a child facing change.
Don’t sabotage agreements set up by either parent. If one parent has made arrangements for the child to attend a special class (dance, soccer, etc.) make your plans accordingly. If the child knows they must finish their homework before they can go out to play, don’t let them off easy just because you feel sorry for them in their situation.
Let your grandchildren know however they are feeling is OK. Many children are told that they “shouldn’t” feel this or that or adults feel guilty that a child is in pain so they try to talk them out of it. This only adds to the child feeling unheard. Even wanting their parents’ back together is a normal desire or children in this circumstance.
Tell your grandchildren stories about challenges you have faced and overcome in your life. Help them see you as someone who believes things will be all right and that they are safe. Focus on the positive.
Share your spiritual beliefs with them in a fun non-judgmental way. If you find rejuvenation in nature take them for a walk or to the beach. If you find tranquility in music share that love with them. Help your grandchildren connect to the quiet place inside themselves.
10. Read together during a quiet time before they go to bed or in-between activities during the day. Reading children’s books about feelings or how other children have coped with the upheaval of divorce will help them find words to ask you the questions they need to have answered. My Parents Still Love Me Even Though They’re Getting Divorced, is a story/workbook that helps children better understand divorce and what they can do to feel better. This book can be obtained at Amazon.
Dr. Lois Nightingale, Psychologist PSY9503 714-993-5343
How to Deal with Bullying and Teasing
If you learn that someone is being bullied or teased, do something to help. Talk to the teacher, principle, teacher aid, yard duty teacher, etc.
If you are concerned that someone may be experiencing bullying talk it over with a teacher.
Work with teachers to make school a safer happier place, volunteer class room or playground time, offer to read the children a book about teasing, help children complete hypothetical situation stories.
If the school is unresponsive, don’t give up. Look up other resources, find library books, internet information, peer conflict resolution programs, etc.
Give your support and understanding (not rage, retaliation and victim-hood) to anyone in your home experiencing being bullied. Listen without judging (How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, Faber & Mazlish) give verbal and physical support.
Do everything you can to help children value themselves. Have them tell you things they are proud of at the end of the day, praise them. Give 5 compliments to every directive. Let them overhear you praising them to others. Model expressions of being proud of oneself.
As an adult, if you witness bullying give attention to the victim not the bully.
If you are a teacher intervene. Children believe teasing and taunting are okay if teachers ignore it.
Tell children if they see teasing or bullying happening to tell a teacher or a parent.
Tell children who are being bullied that it is not their fault.
Let a child who is being bullied know that he/she is not alone and that you believe them and will support them.
Rather than responding with, “you should…” or “just ignore…” ask the child for his/her ideas. Ask what action he/she would like to take. Let the child express feelings and wants.
Label inappropriate or belittling behavior when you see it. “That is a put down, and we don’t accept put down here.” Do not address bullying with physical punishment. Bullies already feel very bad about themselves and have shame and low self esteem.
Don’t model humiliation, belittlement, getting what you want through force, or shaming. Model stating directly without judgement, whining or making others wrong.
“Failure by a school to implement an effective, active anti-bullying policy is a breach of duty of care” UK National Workplace Bullying Advice Line.
Educate children as to what bullying is. Verbal, emotional, psychological, and physical. And let them know it is always unacceptable.
Stop bullying and teasing right away. “Nip it in the bud”, don’t wait until the victim exhibits significant discomfort.
Help bullies learn more appropriate ways of interacting while keeping them supervised.
Teach all children how to be assertive, problem solve and express themselves appropriately.
Teach children how to spot bullying, how to intercede and report inappropriate behavior.
Encourage children to help both the target and the bully.
Bullies come from all socioeconomic classes. Almost always, however, bullies come from dysfunctional aggressive home environments where they learn by example.
The “reason” a child is picked on is irrelevant. They are excuses set up by the bully and those trying to justify abusive behaviors, envy is a strong motivator for bullies.
Severe incidences or chronic subjection to bullying can lead to symptoms of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, including anxiety, anger, reactive depression, tearfulness, disbelief, panic attacks, fatigue, low energy, hypervigilance, sleep disorders, headaches, stomach aches, joint and muscle pain, excessive guilt, loss of self-esteem and self confidence, suicidal thoughts or attempts.
Addressing bullying needs to be multifaceted including educating children, parents, teachers and those supervising children’s activities. Outlining what is abusive behavior, letting victims know what they can do. Teaching Bullies assertion techniques and self-esteem building. Increased supervision and appropriate modeling at home and at school. Keep the adults supervising your children aware of your observations and concerns.
© 2008, Dr. Lois Nightingale, PSY9503 Psychologist 714-993-5343
