The Nightingale Center

Thursday, December 18, 2003
Section: FAMILY
Edition: main-1
Page: 1C
By Abe Levy, The Wichita Eagle

Katina McWilliams is a single mother with three girls - and one bathroom. She works part time at a local hospital. She studies full time at Wichita State University, learning to be an ultrasound technician. When the holidays come around, money seems to disappear and stress seems to emerge in its place. She said she gets through with prayer and determination. "When I wake up every morning, I look at my children and I press on because of them," McWilliams said.

For single parents, there is added strain during the holiday season. Typically, a limited income shortens their ability to buy decorations and gifts on their children's lists.

It can cause guilt and thoughts of regret that the child doesn't have a two-parent family to celebrate the season with.

And for divorced parents, the holidays are often spent without their children. "The holidays bring all the pressures of single parenting to the forefront," said Lois Nightingale, a clinical psychologist and author of books on parenting and divorce.

Among the ideas she and other experts suggest is to recognize the expected emotions of the holidays and make realistic adjustments. Those include avoiding the tendency to go overboard, said Dianne Hadaway, editor of single parenting for a Web site.

Stick with basic traditions, she said.

"It's not a terrible sacrifice to be involved with your children because they do make us happy," she said.

"But one thing not to do is shower the child with gifts and build up this fantasy holiday. There is a tendency, especially in noncustodial parents, to want to buy the love."

Another pitfall is burnout. Single parents often overload themselves trying to make the holiday special, Nightingale said.

"Time management is extremely important," she said. "Sometimes you have to consciously choose to sleep rather than stay up until 2 a.m. to bake cookies."

In shared-custody situations, experts urge parents not to make children feel responsible for their sadness or loneliness when they don't have the child for the holiday.

Such advice has helped single mother Cindy Mathieu, whose son, Robert, is 8.

Last year, Robert spent Christmas with his father. Cindy caught up on projects at work and went to the movies. In other years, she's gone out dancing or hung out with friends at their homes.

"It's better than sitting there by myself, wondering what I'm going to do now," said Mathieu, who has been a single mother for five years.

When she reunites with her son, Mathieu said, she makes a point to ask him how the holiday time with his father went.

That interest makes children feel more secure and creates openness that will continue as they age, Nightingale said.

"There's always this competition between divorced parents, but they need to be excited about (the child) going over to the other person's house and seeing relatives or significant others of that ex-spouse," she said.

Delton Sandefer, a single father, maintains regular communication with his 14-year-old son, Colton. It has made Christmas and other holidays less stressful.

They've established holiday traditions to strengthen their friendship. One is to take pictures of their Christmases together, frame them and place them on their Christmas tree each year.

The two attend church together and center their lives around their faith, said Delton, who is divorced and has sole custody of his son.

"I've had to put my single life on the back burner," he said. "It's a decision I made, that in order for me to have a relationship with my son, I needed to sacrifice.

"I think it's worth it. He's grown up to be a pretty nice gentleman."

Reach Abe Levy at 268-6228 or alevy@wichitaeagle.com.

DID YOU KNOW?

Single-parenting for the holidays

• Lighten up - The holidays should be fun traditions. Join in the spirit of Christmas and Hanukkah and other winter festivities.
• Money isn't everything - Memories are. Take pictures. Make a scrapbook or ornaments together, watch holiday lights, volunteer at charities or attend religious events. Read holiday stories.
• Make a wish list of presents - It's important to acknowledge what a child asks for. Don't make them feel guilty for wanting to experience all they can, but also let them know they won't receive it all.
• Nurture yourself - Your child won't benefit from an emotionally unstable or exhausted parent. Sleep in when possible. Mix in a few social events with other adults.
• Listen to your child - Changes in family structure often bring out emotions in children. Plan your children's holiday schedule ahead of time. Explain how the holidays will play out, especially where and when they'll be with each parent. Tell them how much you value their response.
• Protect children from stress - Don't make kids feel responsible for your stress, loneliness or entertainment. If it's not "your year" with them, don't let on how you feel about it. Plan a fun event for yourself with friends or other family.

Sources: Lois Nightingale, an author on parenting with the Nightingale Counseling Center in Yorba Linda, Calif.; Dianne Hadaway, editor for www.singleparents.about.com

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Abe Levy
Religion Reporter
Wichita Eagle
(316) 268-6228
email: alevy@wichitaeagle.com