The Nightingale Center

Ways to Support a Teen through Divorce

by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

1. Be respectful of his/her feelings. Don't try to minimize the event with logic ("Can't you see I am happier now?" "Would you really want me back in that situation?" etc.).
2. Don't defend or "stick up for" the disgraced parent. Don't try to demean or "downgrade" the idealized parent.
3. Remember for teens, peers and friends are usually more important than parents and siblings. This is developmentally appropriate, even in intact families.
4. Realize everyone grieves differently. Grief lasts as long as it lasts (there is no way to hurry it) and the only way to the "other side" is through.
   1. The first stage of grief is denial. "This can't happen to my family" "They'll work it out and get back together."
   2. The second stage of grief is bargaining. "If only I didn't fight with my sister." "If only Dad would stay home more." "If only Mom wouldn't nag so much."
   3. The third stage of grief is anger. Anger and frustration may be targeted toward family members, friends, or even oneself.
   4. The fourth stage of grief is sadness. Many times teens hide their sadness and discouragement. Sometimes they share it only with close friends. Isolation and wanting to be alone when very sad is common.
   5. The fifth stage of grief is acceptance. Even though no one may ever understand all the reasons "why" the divorce occurred, acceptance means that the teen releases the parent from "owing" him/her a debt due to the divorce. They have some ability to find serenity and look at the positive and understand the divorce is not their fault and they could not have prevented it.

   These stages are not necessarily in this order and many times teens slip back and forth between stages before ultimate resolution is obtained.

5. Teens may be frustrated with the financial issues around divorce, especially in the areas it directly affects them. Make sure time is given for them to express their concerns, priorities and frustrations. Encourage them to think of solutions to get the things they most want. This is a time to teach respect, tenacity and ambition.
6. Make sure your teen knows you are physically and emotionally OK. Teenagers can worry about parents' safety and worry if they are getting enough to eat or if they are lonely. Teens may worry that a parent is not treating an addiction or getting medical help. It is important to not make a teen your emotional peer. Keep friends around you and let your teen know you are being responsible for your daily needs.
7. Do activities together that do not require a lot of face-to-face talking, but provide the opportunity to do so. Such as, hiking, going to the batting cages, working out, fishing, golfing, roller blading, bicycling, eating out, driving, etc.
8. Support your teenager even if he/she is turning to other adults for comfort and support. It is often easier for a teen to talk to someone outside the family to express real feelings and emotions.
9. Never say anything bad about the other parent to your teenager, no matter how "true" the statement may be. Your son or daughter knows that 50% of them came from that other parent and will feel you are saying half of him/her is not good. You also increase the chances of a teen taking sides with the belittled parent. Teenagers will rescue a parent they see as an underdog. Also, if you express anger and outrage at the other parent, your teen is less likely to tell you things that might upset you about him/her. They will be afraid your anger will then be targeted toward them. Speak respectfully about the other parent in front of, or within earshot of, your teenager.
10. Remind them (even if they pretend they don't want to hear it) that the divorce is not their fault.
11. Remember that depression and grieving in teenagers can look like hostility, volatility and acting out. Be patient with short fuses and quick tempers. They may be "testing the waters" to see if you will leave them as well. Don't take outbursts of anger personally.
12. Spend time with supportive friends who also have teenagers. Don't blame everything that happens on the divorce. Adolescence is a difficult time of life. Be kind to yourself. Remember you are doing the best you can see to do everyday and with every decision. And so is your teenager.

©2001 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist (lic# PSY9503) director of the Nightingale Center for Mind/Body Health in Yorba Linda, Ca. 714-993-5343 www.nightingalecenter.com

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Ways to Support a Friend Whose Parents are Divorcing

By Dr. Lois Nightingale

1. Listen attentively. It may be difficult for your friend to describe what is happening and how he/she feels about this. Be patient, and let them know you feel privileged that he or she felt you were a safe person to talk with.
2. Don't try to make them feel better by describing how bad other people have it (including yourself). Don't minimize or try to diminish the pain your friend is feeling. Don't try to change the topic before they are done talking about what they need to say.
3. Invite your friend to a group you belong to. Encourage your friend to join clubs and activates through school or the community. Things at home may not be very peaceful. Being around other teens can be reassuring and comforting.
4. Encourage your friend to write about his or her feelings. You might share that writing sometimes helps you feel better when things are going badly and there doesn't seem to be anything else you can do.
5. If they seem very down ask if they are experimenting with drugs or alcohol. Ask if they ever wish they "weren't here." Ask if they have ever cut on themselves or hurt themselves intentionally. If your friend is in danger, encourage them to ask for help. If you feel there is an immediate danger, let a responsible adult know.
6. Ask your friend if he or she is eating. If they are not eating regularly and healthy food they may feel worse because of low blood sugar or poor diet.
7. Ask your friend if he or she is sleeping well. Sleep deprivation can make any problem seem bigger and bigger. If your friend is going long periods of time with very little sleep, they may be in trouble. They may be clinically depressed, using drugs or caffeine to anesthetize feelings or having severe anxiety.
8. Spend time with your friend in person, on the phone, or on the Internet. The connection you give your friend may make all the difference in the world in how they get through this difficult time of their life. If you are wondering "should I call or not?" CALL!
9. Don't pry if your friend does not want to talk about their home life. Accepting him or her just the way they are right now can be the most reassuring thing you can do. You can say, "If you ever do want to talk about it, I'm here to listen," and then drop it until they want to talk more. Sometimes it is supportive to have a friend to talk about normal teenage things with and not about the chaos at home.
10. Share a time you felt vulnerable and afraid. Knowing that other teenagers have challenges can help a teenager facing their parents' divorce feel more normal and accepted. Let them know they are not alone and you believe in them.
11. Compliment your friend. This doesn't have to be some sappy compliment. But compliments form other teenagers mean a lot to kids facing change and uncertainty. Being accepted by peers is the most important thing in the world. Let your friend know you approve of him/her regardless of what their parents are doing.
12. Laugh. Humor is very important. Almost anything can be improved by bringing some lightness to it. Find the absurd and comment on it. Laugh with your friend.

©2001 Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. Clinical Psychologist (lic# PSY9503) director of the Nightingale Center for Mind/Body Health in Yorba Linda, Ca. 714-993-5343 www.nightingalecenter.com