The Nightingale Center

In the Wake of More of Our Children Killing Children,

by Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D.

In the wake of more of our children killing our children, Center warns that anger may be missed in potentially dangerous situations due to our inability to identify anger and rage-full behavior.

Most of our children cannot even identify anger and hostility in everyday situations. Angry talk-show hosts are labeled as "opinionated", TV shows that incite guests to violence through anger are seen as "entertaining." Movies that glorify verbal and physical expressions of rage are viewed as benign pastimes. Even anger and belittling of "others with differences," from the pulpits of our houses of worship are seen as "righteous indignation." Who is pointing out that these are expressions of anger to our youth? Teenagers in Littleton reported not taking violent threats seriously. Adults who knew of threats ignored these as well. It may be that we have so acclimated to expressions of rage, we cannot spot real danger when it is there.

Adults need to model for children tolerance, patience, and creative problem solving. We need to avoid "quick fix" answers that are so easily called upon in our society of addiction to "immediate gratification." Adults need to be present in children's lives, make their presence felt at school and at home. Modeling compassion and really listening without judgment is imperative for children to learn good coping skills.

Modeling is the most powerful way we as humans learn. When parents say "Do as I say, not as I do," they are speaking empty words. Most coping skills and ways of handling frustration are learned through watching others, such as parents, other respected adults, or as Judith Harris' research indicated, peers.

Adults that glorify revenge, speak in hatred and model that the world is generally an unsafe hostile place, plant the seeds for violence in our children. Dr. Nightingale encourages parents to not use yesterday's horror in Littleton as a platform to demonstrate more rage and anger, but to use this situation to open the doors for compassionate listening with your children. Remember, how your children see you model expressions of anger sends them messages of how they should express anger.

Signs a child may be having difficulty with a traumatic event:

1. Sleep disturbances/nightmares
2. Eating disturbances/gastrointestinal disturbances
3. Isolation/withdrawal
4. Acting out/aggressive with peers or adults
5. Poor concentration/dropping grades
6. Tearfulness-over-identification with victims

Lois V. Nightingale, Ph.D. (lic# PSY9503) director of the Nightingale Center with offices in Newport Beach and Yorba Linda, California 714-993-5343.