The Nightingale Center

Communication Tips for Couples

1. Practice really listening to your partner

   Try to hear your partner's feelings, thoughts and desires. It's tempting to assume we know what our partner wants or needs. Be sure to check these feelings out with your partner and remember that sometimes partners are hesitant to express their feelings and thoughts for fear of hurting their partner's feelings.

   1. Listening and clarifying what you think you are hearing helps you know what to do and also helps your partner express his/her thoughts and feelings. This also helps your partner FEEL understood and builds trust. Mutual understanding creates safe environment and leads to increased intimacy.
2. Tell your partner what you like and don't like.

Remember, no matter how long you've been together, people aren't mind readers.

1. 'Honey, that feels great!'
2. 'I love it when you rub my feet like that!'
3. 'Thank you for rubbing my back. I'd like it even more if you rubbed a little gentler.'

3. Thank your partner for touching, communicating and caring. Be sure to thank them for nurturing you.

   1. As couples, we have a tendency to 'expect' the positive and often take these things for granted. Unfortunately, we also tend to complain about things we don't like. We may not even realize that we often don't thank our partners when they do something nurturing or kind.
   2. Be sure to thank each other.

4. You can also build intimacy by asking for feedback. Doing this invites your partner into your world and shows that you are interested in what he/she thinks, feels and wants.

   1. 'How does that sound?' 'What do you think'?

5. Show warmth and empathy

   1. Use body language, listening, feedback and touch.
   2. Ask when you aren't sure. Would you like me to rub your legs?

6. Work hard to develop a positive attitude about life.

   1. Positive energy is contagious and uplifting.

7. Talk about your hopes and dreams with your partner.

8. Ask for support, attention, time, and hugs when you need them.

9. Speak from your heart with your partner. Genuine sharing of your feelings, thoughts, hopes and dreams builds closeness for couples and families.

10. Surprise each other with care! For no reason, do something loving for your partner.

Touch each other gently and tenderly with love! It can bring healing to mind, body and spirit.

Remember that intimacy is more than sex. Intimacy means sharing mental, emotional, social, spiritual and physical thoughts, feelings and behaviors with each other. Remember, the most important thing to share with your partner is YOURSELF!

Diane 'Dani' Smith is a Marriage and Family Therapist (License MFC33630) in private practice at The Nightingale Center in Yorba Linda, California * 714 993-5343